Powerkiss

Reasons why i am pissed off:

2011-01-30T07:34:00.001-08:00

Hello. Recently I have been majorly pissed off with one of my flatmates. On Friday it was my birthday, and today (Sunday) it is hers.

Reasons i am pissed off:

1. I arranged a gathering in the kitchen on Friday to chill out and celebrate my birthday and she arranged hers for Saturday (not cool.)

2. All day on friday i was essentially trapped in my bedroom, not allowed to enter the kitchen or see my friends because they were baking me a cake.

3. "How many friends have you got coming for your birthday, Hannah? None? I've got two!"

4. All the way through my party she loudly exclaimed how she wished it was her birthday today.

5. Shortly after midnight last night :"It's not your birthday anymore! It's mine! Yay! Happy birthday me!"

6. On Friday when i said i didn't want to play drinking games, she acted like a stupid kid who has been denied an equally stupid toy.

7. She initiated a food fight with my birthday cake.

8. "All my family are coming to visit on my birthday."

9. All fucking night she was trying to dance with my boyfriend and the boyfriend of another girl.

10. We went to a headphone disco and every song she liked, she tried to get everyone else to change their headphones to.

11. FUCK OFF YOU STUPID INSIGNIFICANT SHIT-STAIN ON THE WORLD.

2010-11-18T19:52:00.000-08:00

Hello. Today i am once again miserable, and probably looking for some positive attention. I can't sleep and i feel sick. My leg hurts and i'm sad because my life is silly and i like people too much.

2010-10-28T19:46:00.001-07:00

Inexplicably very sad right now. What a yawnfest.

4.30 really

2010-10-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

Oh how things have changed. I'm up at 4.27 watching old episodes of The Simpsons and generally being a bit of an idiot. I'm not allowed to drink at the moment due to a medical thing so i had about the equivalent of seven cans of Red Bull and am now kind of regretting it. I'm also really fucking hungry but i'm not going to get any food at this hour. University is silly. Someone just called me Samantha and i said, "that is not my name."
I don't really know what i should tell you. It's all kind of silly. Goodnight x

22-7-10

2010-07-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

When you're old and lonely you will wish you'd married me
I could build a fire for you and bring you cakes and tea
When you're cold and hungry I'll be waiting by the phone
You can call me up and tell me how you're all alone

I'm pretty content for now.

Your full of shit.

2010-05-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

My secrets safe with him,
My secrets safe,
My secrets safe with him,
My secret,

I won't go out, ever again,
I won't go out, ever again,
His secrets lie with him,
His secrets lie,
His secrets not with him,
His secret lies,

He won't got out, ever again,
You won't ever go out ever again

Well alright,
Oh oh oh oh oh
Well alright,
Ooooh a oh

My secrets safe with him,
My secrets safe,
My secrets safe with him,
My secret, yeah,

We won't got out, ever again,
We won't go out, ever again,
We won't go out, every again,
We won't got out

Scotland's Shame.

2010-05-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

O my Luve's like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June!
O my Luve's like the melodie
That's sweetly play'd in tune!

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry—

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only Luve!
And fare thee weel awhile!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' it were ten thousand mile.

525748282

2010-05-17T02:50:00.000-07:00

"I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!!!! i feel it in the very depths of my soul, but i cant tell you because i would have to tell you over the internet and i want to tell you in person…. and i already told you that i wont be the first one to to say the L word… crap"

525748282

http://confessions.grouphug.us/confessions/525748282

I wish.

I'm not sad anymore

2010-05-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

Honestly. I'm happy.

a hundred thousand fireflies

2010-05-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me
I went out to the forest and caught
A hundred thousand fireflies
As they ricochet round the room
They remind me of your starry eyes
Someone else's might not have made me so sad
But this is the worst night I ever had
'cause I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me
You won't be happy with me,
But give me one more chance
You won't be happy anyway

Why do we keep shrieking,
when we mean soft things?
We should be whispering all the time...

mark 2

2010-05-10T11:41:00.001-07:00

I find it difficult to believe that i have any impact on anyone's life. It's a funny old world we live in. Hello henry. I hope you've enjoyed reading this more than i've enjoyed knowing that you've read this. I think you're a good guy. Don't let the man get you down. I am the alphabet, and all that.

freedom

2010-04-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

Breaking up with him was the hardest thing i have ever done, but i don't regret it.

I loved him all the way through our messy relationship, and i still do, but he was hurting me too much (emotionally, not physically). He never appreciated me, but i thought "hey, it's just a phase, he's having a bad patch right now" but after the first 6 months of having a bad patch it gets a bit tiresome.
Let alone after the first 12 months of feeling unloved and unattractive.

If someone takes advantage of your feelings, they don't love you.
If someone hurts you over and over again, they don't love you.
If someone tells you about their day but never thinks to ask about yours, they don't love you.

And i assure you, there will be someone out there who does.

It took me far too long to realise all of that.

I was crazy for him, but not that crazy.

Breaking up has been the best decision i have ever made. I've started to notice people looking at me as if i'm pretty again. And i don't feel guilty about it- i have no need to.

it's been a sad day, please don't take a picture

2010-03-28T15:11:00.001-07:00

"He doesn't understand that he's the one who has the power to stop it. He simply can't imagine that one little boy could be that important."
All of life's great lessons can be learnt from the Never Ending Story.

Yesterday i delivered an ultimatum to my boyfriend, and told him that unless he stopped acting so strangely towards me, we couldn't stay together anymore.

Today he told me that the reason he's been acting weird is that his mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer.

And i'm really upset. For so many reasons:
The first that she's a lovely woman, and she has done nothing to deserve the pain she's in. Obviously that's the most tragic element of the whole story- she's an amazing person and she helped me through a death in my family not long ago. There's not a mean bone in her body.

The second that he didn't tell me earlier- he's known for two weeks, while i've been pulling my hair out thinking that he's upset with me for some reason.

The third that in the light of this news, what i said to him yesterday sounds like an infinitely selfish and disgusting thing to say.

The fourth? I'm just sad that he didn't feel like he could tell me earlier. It's not the first time he's kept something like this from me. I'd like to think that he could talk to me about what's going on in his life, but apparantly he can't.

And i don't want to make it into a big deal about me, because it's not- and i know that! I know that his family are having a much worse time than i could imagine but i'm still sad about it. I don't want to talk to people in the real world about it because i sound so self absorbed, but there's no way for me to approach this situation other than from my own perspective.

It's all upside down.

"people are shit"

2010-03-26T08:02:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling sad today.

People are shit.

once we were monsters

2010-03-02T13:50:00.000-08:00

Pilots are flying low
Searching for life below
Between the bits of broken earth
Where the sunlight still hits
Bodies wash against the shore
The robots revolt
Compass needles spin in place

We can be happy
Until the night skies die
Welcome the moment
That we feel lost and found

Travel the skies
Never be homesick
Quietly recall
Once we were monsters
Travel the skies
Never be homesick
Quietly recall

We can be happy
Until the night skies die
Welcome the moment
That we feel lost and found

shop-a-roo!

2010-02-23T09:55:00.000-08:00

Well, I've just spent too much money online on things i don't really need. For example, this necklace (cute right? and for £3! Bargain.) and a lucky-bag of similar objects. They're from www.LadyLuckRulesOK.com who have some very lovely objects, but as of 28th Feb they're discontinuing their online store, so get shopping quick! I feel a bit guilty for never buying anything before from them, but at least i am now! Good on me.

Other purchases of the day have been Dead Like Me season 1 and the Dead Like Me movie (which will be shit, or shouldbe shit and if it isn't, i'll eat my new hat!*)

Anyway, i hope my new treats arrive soon. I got a new dress not long ago too, from www.Boohoo.com which is red and spotty (like all my other dresses...) but haven't had a chance to wear it yet! Thursday!

In other news, my family has been having a bad time at the moment. My grandma died last Monday, just after midnight and so my half term was spent grieving in scotland with everyone else. It was nice to see everyone, and it was amazing to see how packed the church was for her funeral. She was an amazing lady and we're all going to miss her more than we could describe. God bless.

Anyway, I'm going to go and watch some TV instead of doing homework.

*Not really

17 December 2009

2009-12-17T15:19:00.000-08:00

I can't tell how i feel about anything anymore. This is stupid. I want you to love me. I don't care about having sex or anything like that- i just want to feel like you love me. I don't want you to get pissed off with me all the time and i don't understand why you do. I try confronting you about things and you get pissed off, and if i don't confront you, you get angry with me anyway.

It's not my fault that you're so dishonest. I've asked you to change the way you act but you don't care at all how i feel.

Don't deny it. I can tell.

You never ask me how i am, or how my day has been. You never even try to find out how i feel. If you could just listen to yourself, you'd realise that all our conversations are about you. If i try to change the subject, you'll just change it back.

Don't hang up on me again.

I still love you, but something has got to change.

hmm

2009-12-12T12:56:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling pretty blue. Seems to have become the norm these days. I don't enjoy being sad, y'know.

Eugh. Lame.

2009-11-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Chicken pox

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Posters and photos and post cards

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I talk a bit.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
I listen to quite a lot.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
2 PM ish

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Not to have a cold.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Motivation.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
Ach, i'd be lost without my phone.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
Five foot two.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
In crowds, yes.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Terrified.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Me

13. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Fire

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I don't mind. I like weird hair i think.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO/AT?
London.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Tea, please.

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Cheese and tomato.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Goldfish

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
Green

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
Oh goodness yes.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
A pirate with moving arms and legs and a head.

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
I'm in love.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
I don't have one. I like lots of things.

25. WHO IS THE HOTTEST FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
Cillian Murphy.

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
No.

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
Goldfish.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Oh, i'm heading there.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED?
12

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Brownies.

32. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?
Heavens no.

33. HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF DYING?
A toaster/bath related accident.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE UK?
Yep.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
I have weak ankles.

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
Yep. Reggie from CBBC and Jimmy Urine.

37. FIRST JOB?
No.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Yeah, it was shit,

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
Don't know.

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Watching Groundhog Day.

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
Nope.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My HILARITY.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
No.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Time and money.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
3. Two boys and one girl.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Han Solo. Star wars, right?

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Violence.

48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU MISS ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
Erk. I don't think i'll miss anything.

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Bubbly ones.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I love it.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Vegitable.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Swearing.

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
Insanely.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No.

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
No.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
I guess so.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Sing it all out.

59. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
Sustainable happiness.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Golden Pink.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR MOBILE PHONE?
D'no.

62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
No. I'm not gay.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Not too much.

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
M&C

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
I don't look for anything. I've got one and he's lovely.

67. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Hannah. Han. Hanban. Solomon. Porkchop.

68. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
How Not To Live Your Life.

69.WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
Ignore.

70. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Chocolate.

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
Yes.

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
Laptop.

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
Sleep.

74. WHAT’S THE FASTEST YOU’VE EVER GONE IN A CAR?
Too fast for you.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
I don't suppose anyone ever reads this, so it doesn't matter.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Television.

77. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Fantastic Mr Fox

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Taxi man last night.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Hair

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Ah, sleep.

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
My friends.

82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR?
January.

83. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
Jazzies.

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
Mook is my best friend.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Blackish.

86. EYE COLOR?
Green

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
The big M.

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
Iono.

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
I didn't when i tried it.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Dreamgirls is on right now.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
January 28th but these last three days have been pretty good.

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
Piano

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
Pttch. New labour.

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
I like both. Hugs make me happy.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Ships.

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Tetris.

98. DO YOU HAVE A LOW SELF ESTEEM OR A HIGH SELF ESTEEM?
Depends.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Hmm, I'm not.

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
Divine.

Nude - Radiohead

2009-10-29T14:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever really wanted something, but at the same time, really not wanted it?

For example, at the moment, i really want to visit space, but at the same time, I don't ever want to go to space.

Can't sleep. Can't eat. Can't think straight.

2009-10-21T01:46:00.000-07:00

Well the first one and the last one are true. I keep waking up in the night at stupid times like 2.13, 4.25 and 6.14. I keep being unable to get to sleep in the first place. I keep having horrible nightmares. I don't want to sleep anymore if that is what is going to happen.

Can eat. Will eat. Love food.

Can't think straight? Apparantly.

like a mechanical toy

2009-10-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

Michael Wallbank has to kiss a girl in the play he’s in. I’m a notoriously insecure girlfriend and just the thought of it makes me want to die.

Everyone tells me it’s “just acting” and for God’s sake, i know that. I understand that, and i know it means nothing, but it still feels awful.

I mean, if he were to kiss someone else while drunk it would “mean nothing” but it would still be a betrayal, right? Just because he’s being told to doesn’t mean he has to, and i’m terrified that by being in this play with this girl he’s going to realise that he’s in love with her and not with me.

And that would destroy me.

I don't understand

2009-10-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

I just don't understand how or why i get myself so sad.

wellthen!

2009-10-02T07:59:00.001-07:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1217630/Tower-Bridge-raised-hot-air-balloon-pass-time.html

yummo

Yummo

2009-09-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

I can't believe i hadn't watched that until today. Golly, it's beautiful.

Laika flew through inky blue

2009-09-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

Today, instead of doing real work, i sat and read about Laika the dog. It got me feeling pretty sad. Poor old Laika. She was a stray dog from Moscow, who was picked up to be trained to be sent to space. She was the first living thing to be sent into space, to orbit and to die in orbit. She was launched in a tiny space-ship with no room to turn around- only enough to stand and lie down. She was sent with enough food for 7 days and was rigged up to heart-rate monitors, to see the effect of space travel on a living creature. Sputnik 2 (her ship) was not designed to be retrievable, and Laika had always been intended to die. She died within the first 7 hours of her journey. Her death was said to have been caused by overheating and fright. Over five months later, after 2,570 orbits, Sputnik 2 disintegrated—along with Laika's remains—during re-entry on April 14, 1958.

Sad, right? Poor Laika.

what a beautiful day

2009-09-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

I have had a really lovely day. I am head over heels in love and everything is coming up roses. I've got Paul Simon in my head, and Michael Wallbank is lovely. Everything is perfect.

He's my best friend, my one and only.

Ah, i love you Mookin.

'k

2009-09-23T08:14:00.001-07:00

I love you.
You're my best friend.
I hope you never read this mess of a blog.
Mook.
You're divine.

You're all I'll ever need.

ok

2009-09-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

Feeling pretty miserable. I'm not enjoying this week much so far. It seems that i have things to do, but the only activity i really want to do is unwilling or unable to interact with me.
Seems that every time * says anything, * is trying to make me feel sad, par example:

I'm having a birthday party, but you're not invited.

No, i can't spend any time with you because i'd rather spend time with anyone else in the world.

No, i'm not going to respond to you on msn because i don't love you.

No, i'm not going to reply to your text messages ever.

I don't know, i guess i'm just having a bad week, but it's only tuesday. It shouldn't have made up its mind yet. I guess i feel kind of isolated. No one at school really likes me- i've managed to make myself such an anomily that no one wants to be my friend because i was a bit weird a few years ago. Everyone fails to have noticed that i stopped being weird at the end of year 10. Now i'm just a normal person who has messy hair sometimes.

Guh, lame.

2009-09-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

1. I love you, please pay more attention to me.

2. You're my (2nd) best friend, thank you for being such a cutey. Things will brighten up.

3. Sometimes, i think of you and i feel like stabbing myself in the eyes. You deserve everything you get, bitch.

4. If you don't end up successful and happy, i'll eat my hat.

6. I am aware of your shortcomings even if you don't voice them to me, don't worry.

7. You're an idiot. You need to remember that having a crush on someone doesn't mean you have to become their #1 slave.

8. We MUST reunite soon. I feel that we have spent too long awkwardly talking to eachother online.

9. You're funny, and i adore you as a pal, but it's too weird that you're in my dreams sometimes.

10. You're worth a lot more than you think.

NINE things about yourself:
1. I'm currently quite ill.
2. I'm not weird anymore. Please stop saying that i am.
3. I'd like to own my own company.
4. I value my friends. Everyone else means nothing to me.
5. I never claim to be better than i am.
6. Sometimes i'm stupidly confident, and i look like an idiot.
7. Sometimes i'm stupidly shy and i look like an idiot.
8. Generally, i'm not good at liking things until they're unfashionable.
9. I'm not addicted to tea, but i will drink it cold if there's not any warm about.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. Make me giggle.
2. Flatter me.
3. Make fun of me a bit, but know when to stop.
4. Be able to tickle me (oh it's a fine art.)
5. Have interesting hair.
6. Be good at something.
7. Make sure i know that i'm the only person you have any emotional feeling towards.
8. Reassure me, constantly.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. Uh-oh, i'm gonna sneeze.
2. Uh-oh, where are my headphones?
3. I guess i should play on the piano now then.
4. I need more money.
5. Surely i have something better to be doing than this.
6. Oh Virgin Media, i love you.
7. Why isn't Michael Wallbank responding to my text messages?

SIX things you do before you go to bed :
1. Shower.
2. Watch some cartoons probably.
3. Brush my teef.
4. Wonder around for a while, not really doing anything.
5. Watch more cartoons.
6. Look at the floor.

FIVE people who mean a lot.
1. Michael Wallbank.
2. Mum.
3. Siblings.
4. Annie.
5. The school chums.

FOUR things you’re wearing right now.
1. Chavvy trackies
2. School shirt
3. Hat
4. Hoodie (hood up)

THREE songs that currently describe your life.
1. Videotape - Radiohead
2. Boyfriend - Alphabeat
3. Something is Squeezing My Skull - Morrissey

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Have a pet dog.
2. Be a happy lady.

ONE confession:
1. I am not ashamed of my horrible personality. I am what i am, y'know?

That's karma.

2009-09-10T15:22:00.000-07:00

Well, i guess if you weren't such an a-hole that wouldn't have happened.

Bleh

2009-09-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

I am terribly terribly unwell. My throat hurts and this makes me utterly miserable.

In other news, i am very much in love with Michael Wallbank and am very glad he puts up with me and my ridiculousness.

The Book of Love:

2009-08-30T03:24:00.000-07:00

Long and boring.

Going for the Jugular

2009-08-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

1950s educational films take far too long to get going. Sex education was just as awkward then as it is now.

"Golly!"

sad sad sad sad

2009-08-15T17:46:00.001-07:00

why must i be sad?

the rows of dandelions growing all around me,

why must i be sad?

I'm sorry for every tear i've caused, for every moment of fear, for every second of regret.

I'm sorry.

You only live a day; but it's briliant anyway.

ARGH

2009-08-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

What the fuck. What the actual fuck?
Why would someone who claims to be my FRIEND do that?
Why would my boyfriend do that?
Why would anyone ever do that?

Maeve is a cunt and Michael Wallbank is a twat and i hope both of them wake up in the middle of the night, every night, wracked with guilt and so unhappy that they can't breathe.

I'm so unhappy i can't breathe.

I never claimed not to be a jealous person. I'm the most jealous person i know.
It's no secret.

I'm just a skater girl

2009-07-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

I mean, i purchased a skateboard yesterday and would like to learn how to make it go.

Blue

2009-06-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

Mr. Blue, I told you that I love you.
Please believe me.

Omlette, England, Captain, Mookin- I do love you. I don't always seem to, but i assure you, mister- i do. More than Fabs. More than The Divine Comedy. More than pulling faces. More than Googling my own name. More than pretending to know things. More than being awkward. More than shoeboxes. More than face paint or falling asleep. More than shoe-shopping and the idea of paintball. More than Elvis Costello or Eminem. More than going to the sea-side. More than anything else- don't worry. You're my best.

Don't worry about me. I will always be a little bit sad, and i will always feel like the world is trying to hurt me. It's not your fault if i get a bit quiet. If it weren't for you, i'm sure i would be much worse. At the moment, i'm a bit unpredictable, owing to various circumstances and events. Owing also to this big old nihilistic chip on my shoulder and my belief that i shouldn't really ever be happy. I am nothing to lose sleep about. All i need to cheer me up is constant reassurance that you do love me, and you haven't started to hate me. I love you. I will always be your Porkchop.

Bad mood.

2009-06-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

I'm in such an impossibly bad mood i almost don't believe it myself.
I do love you but if you pull that bullshit again, i will actually kill you or myself or both of us.
I don't understand the appeal of lying about something like that and acting as if it's a fucking hilarious joke.
It's not funny for me and i doubt anyone else would find it funny.
I wasn't wrong for shouting at you, I did what i though was right because YOU FUCKING KNOW how i am, you've played that card on me before and it wasn't fucking nice.
I do not understand why you would think it's a good idea to tell a lie like that to the MOST insecure person you know- the person who is so deeply in love with you- the person who KNOWS she's not very pretty or smart or funny or valuable or tallented- the person who can't deal with real life as it is?

So don't you DARE try to make me feel bad about shouting at you.

I do not understand.

Sexual Ethics

2009-05-26T03:10:00.001-07:00

Is it just me, or does Bentham's Hedonic Calculus sound like a way of evaluating an orgasm?

Well, look at it: Remoteness, Purity, Richness, Intensity, Certainty, Extent and Duration. Now tell me that doesn't look remotely suspect.

I suppose all of this really is just procrastination; i am avoiding writing any form of words regarding the ethical dilema of legalising heroin and other class A drugs. If the NHS provided class A drugs, they could regulate what they are cut with, and if they were available from doctors, an entire gangster world would be torn down. Sounds good, right?

But then again, the health risks would still aply and if they were only available via prescription, only people who were willing to talk to their doctor about it would get them, and still some people might be denied the right if their doctor didn't agree with them.

STOP BLOGGING AND WRITE IT SOLOMON.

Some great romance.

2009-05-15T13:45:00.001-07:00

I'm in a terrible mood, but at least i know why I'm so obsessive and possessive and jealous. I believe it all roots from my terrifying self-assurance that i am one of the most unpleasant things in the world and nothing i can do will change that. So to conclude; i am the way i am because of myself. Not because of anyone else. So don't fucking flatter yourself.

boring teenage girl stuff

2009-05-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm tired and a bit grumpy but all for reasons that are entirely avoidable. I am developing my paranoia sufficiently for it soon to become an actual mental disorder, which is not a great idea, but we is what we is, and i is a person with paranoia-issues. iTunes is being a fucking pain in the neck at the moment. I'm not sure why it feels the need to go fully insane every few months. It's currently making everything different and being stupid. Grumble. How're you?
I think, if i were to compare myself to anything, it would be a child who is thoroughly insecure and requires constant reassurance that not everything is going to end up awfully, and that not everyone hates me.

a Message to Martha

2009-05-04T14:17:00.001-07:00

You’re an amazing musician- i hope you know that. I’d love to watch you perform but you’re too bashful to let me, and it would be a bit weird to sit with your parents. Thank you for writing your songs about me. They almost made me cry (almost.)
I’m sorry about when i get sad but i just can’t help it. It’s a part of me as much as music is a part of you. I think i’ll always get a bit blue now and then, and it’s really nothing to do with you- please don’t blame yourself. If anything you’ve made me a lot happier than i ever was before you and i drunkenly became lovers. We have yet to watch Back To The Future 3 together, don’t forget.
So, Mookin, thank you very much. I think you’re divine. I am deeply in love with you and i will always be yours

My Day

2009-04-30T14:16:00.001-07:00

That's me. I'm a happy girl, although i am a girl who is far too willing to procrastinate and thus a little bit sad at that. I'm okay though. Let me tell you about today. Today i went to school and i had double classics first lesson, which was okay- we read about Odysseus slaughtering the suitors, and that was interesting. After that i had a free in which i went to the music block and played on a piano in one of the practice rooms. I enjoyed that though it wasn't work. After that it was breaktime. Break was relatively boring. After break was RS and oh, mercy me, you should have been there. It was shocking! We were talking about ethics, and i was innocently getting on with my work, when the subject of euthanasia and Down's Syndrome was bought up. As some of you may know, my brother has Down's, so it's a touchy subject for me. I got a little bit blue at the idea of killing a person just becuase they are born with a learning disability, and so my eyes got a little bit watery and then they got a lot watery. So i left the room and had a little bit of a cry and after that i felt a bit dumb but better. Over lunchtime, i gave Tara £150 and i did my psychology homework. After lunch was psychology in which not very much happened - we were given a past-paper to look over and answer the questions of. After that was a teamwork and leadership lecture type-thing in the sports hall, which was good fun and involved getting to play with tyres and planks and hoops and benches. My idea of a good time.

Since i don't think i mentioned it before, i am now the girlfriend of a young man called Michael Wallbank, and that is all magical and lovely. He's a nice one. He says i look like an egg.

Yesyes

2009-01-22T14:54:00.001-08:00

I'm in a good mood a lot recently. Wish me luck.

Diamonds on the Soles of my Shoes

2008-12-13T04:29:00.000-08:00

i am SO ill. Bleh. I'm going to see the Dandy Warhols tonight though, which hopefully won't be too painful on the old Hannah.Although, it clearly will be incredibly painful on the old Hannah. I had around 12 hours of sleep last night (went to bed at 8.30!) my body clock decided that it was time to wake up at 3.30, which was weird and altogether inconvenient, but i leapt over that hurdle with style and valour by heading right back into the patch of sleep from which i had just been dragged. Good job young soldier. Above is a photograph from not long ago. Own-clothes-day at my school i believe. I quite like it because i look quite cool in it and my skin looks pretty perfect. Although that is irrelevant now as my skin is horrible and greasy and i don't look cool at all. I'm sitting here looking grumpy and in my PJs. I've got a pretty impressive cough, which i believe would impress you if anyone read this (which clearly no one does because i've told no one about it as of yet, and i'm not sure if i will because i believe that i may be ridiculed for it.) Well, whatever. Have a nice day. Love to the wife.

#2

2008-12-04T15:05:00.000-08:00

Tonight i went to a comedy show- there were around 5 comics and it was quite funny. It was a bit too warm and the people behind me needed to shut up, but elseways i enjoyed it. Today, probably some other things happened too. I went to school and avoided talking to the people that i don't like. This morning we talked about the Odyssey in classics (as per.) and in RS we talked about Richard Dawkins and memes and all kinds of vaguely depressing theories. At the begining of the year, i was very optimistic about the subjects i chose, then i got a bit miffed with everything, but now, i think i'm happy again. I went to a friend's house at lunch time and had some squash. It was nice and fun. At registration i spoke to my form tutor about Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds and it was nice. In the 'noontime, i had a pscyhology lesson, which was alright; and a lecture regarding student loans (yawn!). The pictures on this blog are summery. I felt that since the weather outside is frightful, i'd put up some pictures that are quite delightful (please don't let it snow, let it snow, let it snow; i have to walk to school in this weather!) So yes- i'm feeling pretty good generally. Raaaah! Love to the wife.

Ok, hey, hi.

2008-12-03T15:26:00.000-08:00

Hello. This is all rather new, so forgive me if I'm a little bit crap at first.
Seeing as this is blog #1, I'd better introduce myself.

Here i am. [See right] Aren't i lovely? Well, my name is Hannah, I'm a British person. As teenagers go, I like to think I'm one of the best, but that's only because I foster a long term and unnecessary resentment towards everyone of my age-group. It's great fun.

I'm currently at School studying English Lit, Psychology, RS and Classics, which is a barrel of laughs (to be honest, I am actually enjoying it.) and when i'm not at school, i'm either glued to the computer (or TV) or i'm out and about acting at a local drama group that i'm a part of (have been for 8 years now- lame much?)

Bleh, well, it's the middle of the night now, so i'll sign off here, but it's lovely to meet you all, i hope we get to know one another very well.